What hidden forces really operate behind organisational decisions? Politics? Empire- building? Shareholder pressure? I would have to say “all and none of the above”. All of those are the evidence; the things that we see people doing. In reality, it’s the drivers of those things that we should be interested in: emotion. What we actually see are the disguises that people adopt to communicate their feelings about how things are going. We resort to political manoeuvring when they have run out of ideas for how to ask for something. We build empires when we are worried about getting lost in the machine and shareholders express their feelings by buying, selling and voting.

And all of these are proxies for proper emotional expression. But before I tell you about the more useful alternatives let me explain what I mean by ‘proper emotional expression’ because you may already be thinking: “oh-ho, getting emotional is ‘not me’ or at least it’s not done where I work.” I bet you’re right if we are talking about people putting on major displays of emotion (ranting, stomping about, going red in the face, bursting into tears, going quiet and moody etc.). What I am talking about is giving a clear, rational explanation of how I am feeling so that people know what is going on and can make an informed decision about what to do next.

Right, practical details next; how do you do it yourself or help others to do it if they are struggling? Three ways for you to experiment with:

Listen and mention – don’t just blunder on when you are talking with someone who is becoming unreasonable. Be brave – give them the chance to express how they are feeling – you don’t have to ask them outright – you don’t even need to mention the word ‘feeling’ (the f-word). Instead, try: “You sound/look/seem…” [the name of the feeling] and then pause to let them acknowledge your observation and to continue with their point. My guess is that they will become more open as you encourage them to be clear about what is driving their point (how they feel). You may need to do this repeatedly as they express their various views. Be patient – your time will come!

Notice and declare – if you notice yourself getting stuck in a particular position and sense that you are being taken over by your opinion (emotions, actually) give yourself the chance to be explicit about how you are feeling. Again, you don’t have to mention that f-word.

Try: “I’m getting worried/annoyed/frustrated about where this conversation is going/the change in plan/the loss of momentum… because…”

What’s left unsaid – we frequently leave difficult conversations half finished, or at least with important things left unsaid. This is often because someone has purposefully or accidentally shut the dialogue down prematurely. To make sure that it’s not you, you can say: “Before we finish I want to ask a question of us both – “what’s left unsaid?” You might think this is completely artificial, too off the wall. This way of talking is certainly unusual because it does not follow convention but it does give us access to immense opportunities to clear up bad feeling and thus make progress on issues that most of us can get for ever stuck on. Deal with the unspoken and the rest will sort itself out.

If we want to keep emotion in its proper place in our lives, and not least of all in our businesses, then we need to learn how to deal with them. Properly managed, emotions help us to make great decisions, to be worth living with and drive us to do amazing things. But left to run riot by lack of acknowledgement they can make things truly miserable. Emotions for business people are like water for a plumber; if we don’t channel them properly we will forever be plugging the leaks – occasionally getting flooded out without warning.

You have recently noticed that your line manager has been paying more attention than usual to your work, tasks and projects. Up until now Annette, the Country Manager, has always left you largely alone to get on with things. This has not always been the case with your VP colleagues but you assumed that she would leave you alone as long as she trusted you. Having said that, you have just taken on a global initiative that requires you to network with the Main Board and all the other Country Managers. Whilst this is interesting for you, and means a much higher profile across the organisation, you can’t help feeling rather crowded out by your boss’s attentions. What is she up to? Is she jealous? Worried? Has she stopped trusting you? Is she at some point going to start making your life harder locally so that you can’t focus on the global initiative?

What do you do next?

A. “These things happen”, you tell yourself. Annette is bound to feel anxious about being overtaken – it’s quite natural. You are just going to have to tough it out and stay out of her way and hope that she doesn’t overload you with other tasks so that you fail in the global project.
B. You ask for a meeting with Annette to probe her on what has changed in your relationship. This is one opportunity that you can’t afford to have scuppered by a jealous boss. You need to find out what is going on.
C. You decide that Annette needs to be persuaded to trust you with this massively high-profile task. On the basis that she is out to protect her reputation, and maybe even yours, you are going to keep her well fed with information, updates and little bits of HQ gossip and reassurance until she realises that she can loosen her grip on your schedule.
D. You conclude that 1. You really are not prepared to put up with being micromanaged and that 2. You really don’t know what is going on. You decide that you need to have a very frank discussion with Annette about where she is with the project and to find out what she is most worried about. Hopeful you will then be able to sort out a game plan for how to make the most of the opportunity without having to worry about being stabbed in the back.

I’ll publish my chosen option here on Monday afternoon. Let me know yours as soon as you like.

You can now listen to the teleseminar we held earlier this week. My guest was Martin Down, a Deep Democracy Black Belt. You might hear some new and very simple answers to some old and very tricky leadership and interpersonal problems… Listen now